my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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