Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
