im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
