I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
