Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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