We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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