meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
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You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.