we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
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I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
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Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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