hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls