One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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