I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Ladies don't puke and tell
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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