I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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