Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
