when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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