I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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