Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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