So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
