you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
