My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
