We're facebook friends in real life
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
