I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
