I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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