I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
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