well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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