Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
