My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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