My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
