i wish semen tasted like chocolate
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
