Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
