i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
