Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
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Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
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I still have a little drunk in my system
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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