Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I believe in your delicious
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
