I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
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Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
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I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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