When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
