you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
