I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
be right there i have to get my cape
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
