You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
