On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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