Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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