Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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