fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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