somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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