Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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