so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
