big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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