I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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