Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
