so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
