My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
