last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
