i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
