I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
