Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
