That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Sext me about skeletons
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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