I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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