She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
