just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
