Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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