Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
