I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
