"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Never underestimate the power of titties
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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