i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
