yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
