My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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