Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
