so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
