my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
