So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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