Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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