I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
